Bonds That Make Us Free: Healing Our Relationships, Coming to Ourselves
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- Create Date：2021-04-22 11:54:24
- Update Date：2025-09-06
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- Author：C. Terry Warner
- ISBN：1629722154
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Summary
Life can be sweet。 Our relationships with friends， spouses， colleagues， and family members can be wonderfully rewarding。 They can also bring heartache， frustration， anxiety， and anger。 We all know the difference between times when we feel open， generous and at ease with people versus times when we are guarded， defensive， and on edge。
Why do we get trapped in negative emotions when it's clear that life is so much fuller and richer when we are free of them？
Bonds That Make Us Free is a ground-breaking book that suggests the remedy for our troubling emotions by addressing their root causes。 You'll learn how， in ways we scarcely suspect， we are responsible for feelings like anger， envy， and insecurity that we have blamed on others。 （How many times have you said， "You're making me mad？"）
Even though we fear to admit this， it is good news。 If we produce these emotions， it falls within our power to stop them。 But we have to understand our part in them far better than we do， and that is what this remarkable book teaches。
Because the key is seeing truthfully， the book itself is therapeutic。 As you read and identify with the many true stories of people who have seen a transformation in their lives， you will find yourself reflecting with fresh honesty upon your relationships。 This will bond you to others in love and respect and lift you out of the negative thoughts and feelings that have held you captive。 You will feel your heart changing even as you read。
"It would not be accurate to describe this book as supplying the truths upon which we must build our lives，" writes author C。 Terry Warner。 "Instead it shows how we can put ourselves in that receptive， honest， and discerning condition that will enable us， any of us， to find these truths on our own。"
Finding these truths is the key to healing our relationships and coming to ourselves， and Bonds That Make Us Free starts us on that great journey。
Why do we get trapped in negative emotions when it's clear that life is so much fuller and richer when we are free of them？
Bonds That Make Us Free is a ground-breaking book that suggests the remedy for our troubling emotions by addressing their root causes。 You'll learn how， in ways we scarcely suspect， we are responsible for feelings like anger， envy， and insecurity that we have blamed on others。 （How many times have you said， "You're making me mad？"）
Even though we fear to admit this， it is good news。 If we produce these emotions， it falls within our power to stop them。 But we have to understand our part in them far better than we do， and that is what this remarkable book teaches。
Because the key is seeing truthfully， the book itself is therapeutic。 As you read and identify with the many true stories of people who have seen a transformation in their lives， you will find yourself reflecting with fresh honesty upon your relationships。 This will bond you to others in love and respect and lift you out of the negative thoughts and feelings that have held you captive。 You will feel your heart changing even as you read。
"It would not be accurate to describe this book as supplying the truths upon which we must build our lives，" writes author C。 Terry Warner。 "Instead it shows how we can put ourselves in that receptive， honest， and discerning condition that will enable us， any of us， to find these truths on our own。"
Finding these truths is the key to healing our relationships and coming to ourselves， and Bonds That Make Us Free starts us on that great journey。
Reviews
Brian Reeves
，
This book can be life-changing。 Warner makes two major points: （1） I am responsible for my own happiness， and it is self-deception to blame others for my unhappiness。 （2） My greatest happiness lies in understanding and nurturing other people with no strings attached。
Reed Contreras
，
Completely life changing book！ Really caused me to reflect on my relationships and the way I interact with others。 Its made me more authentic and honest。
Kristen
，
This is a book that has the potential to change one’s life and heal relationships。 As he says at the end， each reader is invited to be a co-author as you integrate the principles into day to day life and relationships。 Self-betrayal （Not doing what we think we should） leads us to justify ourselves and blame others。 We can heal by doing what we feel is right， seeing and loving people in the light of reality and truth， and freeing ourselves from self-absorption。 I would like to re-read this severa This is a book that has the potential to change one’s life and heal relationships。 As he says at the end， each reader is invited to be a co-author as you integrate the principles into day to day life and relationships。 Self-betrayal （Not doing what we think we should） leads us to justify ourselves and blame others。 We can heal by doing what we feel is right， seeing and loving people in the light of reality and truth， and freeing ourselves from self-absorption。 I would like to re-read this several times。 。。。more
Summer Larson
，
This book helped me understand why a few conversations have gone off the rails lately。 Disclaimer: I do not recommend this book for people who are in or recently left an abusive relationship。
Elizabeth Denham
，
Lots of good food for thought。 I went into this book thinking I would gain insight into working in therapy， but instead， I found myself learning more about my own life and how I behave to others。 I'm grateful to this book for opening my eyes and heart more。 Lots of good food for thought。 I went into this book thinking I would gain insight into working in therapy， but instead， I found myself learning more about my own life and how I behave to others。 I'm grateful to this book for opening my eyes and heart more。 。。。more
Josef Miyasato
，
What is my mark of a good book？ It has the power to influence my life for the better。 And this book did that in spades。Wow。 What a book。 I've had this book for years but I finally took the plunge。 There were so many times whole reading that my skepticism turned to awe。 This book should be read by everyone。 If I could， I'd hand this book out to everyone I know。 What is my mark of a good book？ It has the power to influence my life for the better。 And this book did that in spades。Wow。 What a book。 I've had this book for years but I finally took the plunge。 There were so many times whole reading that my skepticism turned to awe。 This book should be read by everyone。 If I could， I'd hand this book out to everyone I know。 。。。more
Krystal
，
Great read。 The part That stood out to me the most was the I-it vs。 I- you mentality。 If we can see people as the person they are （I-you） instead of making them an “it” and focusing on what they are doing that bother or inconveniences us （selfish on our part）， our relationships will be much stronger/deeper。 It is all about loving others。
Courtney Herd
，
really changed my outlook on relationships
Linnae
，
Warner talks about negative emotions， and the ways in which we justify ourselves--which causes us to come up with the emotions to match the story we've made up。 This book also covers collusion in a relationship， and other destructive cycles。 Most importantly， it gives you tools to look at things with a fresh， truer perspective， that will change your relationships--if you let it。Here's the power of this book: One time in particular， I was frustrated and resentful at something that my husband had Warner talks about negative emotions， and the ways in which we justify ourselves--which causes us to come up with the emotions to match the story we've made up。 This book also covers collusion in a relationship， and other destructive cycles。 Most importantly， it gives you tools to look at things with a fresh， truer perspective， that will change your relationships--if you let it。Here's the power of this book: One time in particular， I was frustrated and resentful at something that my husband had said to me。 I went upstairs and read this book for 10-15 minutes。 In that time， my perspective shifted and I could see myself clearly， and my own part in what had just transpired--particularly my true motivations and justifications。 The frustration and resentment melted away and I felt humble， contrite， and more loving towards my husband。Your husband， your stubborn 3-year-old， your annoying coworker--none of them have the power to make you mad。 None of them cause you to feel a certain way。 You create those feelings， every one of them。 That may be disheartening at first， but really， it's a source of great hope and freedom。 If you've created those feelings， you can choose to create different ones。 The way to do that is to see the people and relationships in your life through a more clear lens。 Once you see the truth， and take ownership in your own part of the problems， the issues often resolve themselves。I found it to be powerful and very helpful。 This is one I feel like I should re-read once a year to get my head （and heart） back in the right place。 。。。more
Serene
，
This was a 4 or 5-star book for me until I got to the last chapter and the still felt that the author didn’t really address a major caveat - victims of abuse。 I love the premise of this book （to get out of the box， be self-aware of collusion and self-betrayal， etc。） but feel like it’s a slap in the face to try addressing the caveat briefly by telling legitimate victims of abuse to recognize where they’ve done wrong in order to free themselves。 Didn’t feel like a compelling way to help victims ap This was a 4 or 5-star book for me until I got to the last chapter and the still felt that the author didn’t really address a major caveat - victims of abuse。 I love the premise of this book （to get out of the box， be self-aware of collusion and self-betrayal， etc。） but feel like it’s a slap in the face to try addressing the caveat briefly by telling legitimate victims of abuse to recognize where they’ve done wrong in order to free themselves。 Didn’t feel like a compelling way to help victims approach forgiveness。 Would I still recommend the book？ Yes。 （So much to think on and revisit！） But do I feel like there are situations where his principles don’t apply？ Definitely。 。。。more
Catherine Sullivan
，
The message of this book has stayed with me over the years。 Terry Warner explains healthy and unhealthy relationships in really clear and understandable ways， and his explanations helped me make beneficial changes in my life。
Betsy
，
Great book to help you save years in therapy。
Lisa
，
A self-help book that doesn't tell you what to do is an interesting idea but I think it's more effective。 Rather than teach me steps to execute that I will forget or not follow exactly， I was given ideas to think about and internalize to see how I engage in collusion with others。 It was very eye-opening， and frankly， annoying at first！ I didn't like seeing myself in so many of the "bad" examples。 But I can say that it is probably been the most effective self-help book I've read in a while for th A self-help book that doesn't tell you what to do is an interesting idea but I think it's more effective。 Rather than teach me steps to execute that I will forget or not follow exactly， I was given ideas to think about and internalize to see how I engage in collusion with others。 It was very eye-opening， and frankly， annoying at first！ I didn't like seeing myself in so many of the "bad" examples。 But I can say that it is probably been the most effective self-help book I've read in a while for the very reason that it DIDN'T tell me what to do。 If you want to improve your relationships， I highly recommend this book。 。。。more
Randomcookies
，
Gotta have patience with myself as I read this。 If I take that approach， it's very powerful。 But it can less to me beating myself up if I don't take it with the right mindset。 Super great stuff in here。 Gotta have patience with myself as I read this。 If I take that approach， it's very powerful。 But it can less to me beating myself up if I don't take it with the right mindset。 Super great stuff in here。 。。。more
Ellie Putnam
，
3。5 stars。 I really enjoyed a lot of things about this book。 I think the basic principal it teaches is a pretty invaluable thing to understand， and it's maybe the most intriguing framework for everyday morality I've come across， undoubtedly much better than the framework of many popular current prevailing ideas。 This book is something I have no doubt I'll get flashbacks of when I'm working something out in the future。 Even though the principal is good， I wasn't convinced the execution was the mo 3。5 stars。 I really enjoyed a lot of things about this book。 I think the basic principal it teaches is a pretty invaluable thing to understand， and it's maybe the most intriguing framework for everyday morality I've come across， undoubtedly much better than the framework of many popular current prevailing ideas。 This book is something I have no doubt I'll get flashbacks of when I'm working something out in the future。 Even though the principal is good， I wasn't convinced the execution was the most effective， and for me personally， the way it was laid out wasn't the most meaningful。 This book didn't grip me like other philosophy-type books I've read。 That doesn't mean the core of the content wasn't good， I just don't think it was a perfect book。 I believe the author's goal was to basically give the closest equivalent to the experience of one of his classes in a book。 This involved telling a variety of relatable stories that prove his philosophy， along with fairly repetitive commentary in-between。 I think it would have done some good to include some behavioral studies， opposing views， or a personal internal dialogue of how the principle revealed itself in his mind。 These sorts of tools are pretty thought-provoking to me at least。 In a strange way this book was simultaneously too academic and not quite academic enough。I think I wrote this review because I feel like I need to justify kind of disliking a book I mostly agree with。。。 but alas， 3 stars on Goodreads means I liked it， and 4 stars means I really liked it， so I think I've given a fair rating。 。。。more
Nikki
，
2。5*This book comes from a perspective of wholesomeness。 It assumes the premise that majority （if not all） of your relationship issues can be addressed with the proper perspective。 Trust that not everyone has it out for you。 Step back， open your walls， and look at the other person holistically。 With that loving heart， it changes the dynamics of your connection。 With healthy relationships， I do agree with this。 When life is strife with stress and other conflicting emotions， a negative interaction 2。5*This book comes from a perspective of wholesomeness。 It assumes the premise that majority （if not all） of your relationship issues can be addressed with the proper perspective。 Trust that not everyone has it out for you。 Step back， open your walls， and look at the other person holistically。 With that loving heart， it changes the dynamics of your connection。 With healthy relationships， I do agree with this。 When life is strife with stress and other conflicting emotions， a negative interaction with a loved one （despite having an innocent intention） can end up being the breaking point。 For example， it requires a level of emotional maturity not to react with the same tantrum when a toddler/preteen/teen is being frustratingly unreasonable。 In this perspective， this book makes sense。However， with toxic relationships and trauma， this is too simplified an idea。 It also assumes that complex and years long torment can be fixed with just the 'right' perspective。 There's a fine line to healing and perpetuating abuse。 This book is not for everyone。 。。。more
Lukasz
，
recommendation: [Rationality Reading List | Center for Applied Rationality]（https://www。rationality。org/resources。。。） recommendation: [Rationality Reading List | Center for Applied Rationality]（https://www。rationality。org/resources。。。） 。。。more
Emilee
，
I love books by the Arbringer Institute but this is not my favorite。 The concepts and ideas are good but it’s hard to follow the stories that he shares。 You should read this book quick so you can refer toPrevious stories he’s told。
Deb in UT
，
It's easier to click with some authors than others。 I don't love this writer's writing style or all his word choices。 I don't love the "I-It vs。 I-You" way of expressing his ideas。 I don't really prefer his choices of stories。 Even so， I learned some very helpful and important things from this book。 In particular， I've had a reoccurring problem with blaming others and the occasional extreme self pity。 I have felt plenty justification for those emotions。 That doesn't make them true or desirable。 It's easier to click with some authors than others。 I don't love this writer's writing style or all his word choices。 I don't love the "I-It vs。 I-You" way of expressing his ideas。 I don't really prefer his choices of stories。 Even so， I learned some very helpful and important things from this book。 In particular， I've had a reoccurring problem with blaming others and the occasional extreme self pity。 I have felt plenty justification for those emotions。 That doesn't make them true or desirable。 The first half of the book focuses on all the problems。 I felt an enormous weight and sorrow for my negative patterns。 I might have quit reading， but I was hopeful I'd learn more of how to solve my problems。 I'm glad I stuck with it。When encountering trouble with others， this author basically suggests asking oneself of what's happening， "Is my perception true？" and adds in the importance of forgiving and loving others。 （Byron Katie also talks about turning the blaming words around to oneself， such as instead of saying， "He isn't compassionate toward me，" saying， "I'm not compassionate toward him，" or "I'm not compassionate toward me，" and that is often more true！） He advocates doing the "right" thing for the right reasons。 I have realized that praying for the gift of charity needs to be a big part of the solution for me。 I want to quit blaming; take more responsibility for myself， my emotions， and my life; and to be filled with charity。 I want to do the right things for the right reasons。 This book has helped see the difference that will make in my life。 It feels like an important piece of the puzzle to my problems。 Along with Brooke Castillo's model （thoughts lead to feelings， which lead to actions， which lead to results） I feel like I now have the tools I need to move past a lot of my life-long troubles。I copied down some things I want to remember along with their page numbers in the edition I read。p。 66 "By our self-victimization， we exaggerate others' destructiveness and our own helplessness。"p。 73 "We acquire a taste for the momentary relief from responsibility and accountability it seems to provide-- we don't have to face what we suspect might be awful truths about ourselves。"p。 198 "To admit our errors or weaknesses in this fashion can bring us liberation and strength。 It will seem ironic to say this， for facing up to the truth is usually what we most fear to do。"p。 202 "The same thing happens to any of us who acknowledge the truth as straightforwardly as she did。 The emotion we experience in the presence of the truth is love。"p。 204 "We learned in the preceding section that when we confess that we have been wrong-- not just on an isolated point of argument but in the way we have lived our lives-- we no longer feel a need to blame others and to defend ourselves against them。 We become free of the accusing， anguished thoughts and feelings with which we have afflicted ourselves， free to let ourselves be touched by others' concerns and aspirations and joys， and free to stop worrying about protecting or polishing our self-image。""So it is blame that we must let go of。 Blame is the lie by which we convince ourselves that we are victims。 It is the lie that robs us of our serenity， our generosity， our confidence， and our delight in life。"p。 206 "For it's the act of blaming that 'can't co-exist with self responsibility'-- or with freedom from inner agitation and strained relationships。 Abandon the practice of blaming， and we see the fear melt away that we have associated with being honest about ourselves and taking the full measure of responsibility for our emotional and spiritual condition。"p。 208 "How profoundly fascinating it is to realize that the way forward is simply to consider whether we might be in the wrong！"This realization distills for us a significant truth about what I've called a change of heart。"p。 280 "So focused are accusing feelings that they obliterate or shunt into irrelevance all other facts except those that support them。" "But with that change came a revival of her memory of what he had given her， and she found it fully sufficient for her happiness。"p。 285 "So， strictly speaking， what actually happened way back then is of no significance now; what is significant now are our present accusations against them。 Our emotional problems are the accusations we make of others now。 They are not scars from the past but actions in the present。"p。 289 "If we are not victims but instead producers of our emotional problems， and if it is right now that we reproducing them， then we can eliminate the problems at their source。"p。 295 "Genuine forgiveness includes a desire to be forgiven and， if it is fitting， to seek that forgiveness。"p。 299 "We cannot do it by denying or repressing our feelings or by willing ourselves to feel differently-- feelings are subject to our indirect but not our direct control。" [I don't entirely agree with the above idea。 I believe we ultimately have direct control over our feelings。 If our feelings come from our thoughts， we are in charge of those feelings。 We create them。 Feelings need to be accepted and understood。 Once we do that we can change the thoughts and create new feelings。 We do have control and should take responsibility for our feelings。]p。 301 "Abusers suffer quite independently of being resented。" "Our resentment cannot increase their torment; it harms only ourselves。 And besides， it may give them an excuse to believe that we deserved whatever they did to us。"p。 307 "So it is with love， says Kierkegaard。 Love is the expression of the one who loves， not of the one who is loved。 Those who think they can love only the people they prefer do not love at all。 Love discovers truths about individuals-- any individual--that others cannot see。"p。 315 "The point is neither to accept the falsely threatening world nor to escape it， but to change it-- or in other words， change the meaning it has for us。 And that is done by undergoing a change in how we see the world， which is a change in ourselves。"p。 318 "The dependency of faith， on the other hand。。。is a linkage to others by means of love。"p。 319 "Fact: The quality of life--the success we hope for-- depends upon the choices we make， moment by moment， to do exactly what we sense is right toward all living things， including God。 To distinguish this from pursuing the good life， I would like to call it pursuing a life of goodness。 This means a life of practical faith。"p。 320 "The key personal characteristic is a consistent readiness to yield to the truth in all circumstances， no matter what the apparent cost。"Despite its problems， I recommend this book。 The truths it contains are worth learning。 Yes， there are other sources of this information， but it helps to look at truth in multiple ways with unique emphases。 。。。more
Rachel
，
Tough read because we all face these weaknesses but well worth the new perspective！
Sean
，
I have had doubts and worry about meeting people and maintaining relationships with them for a very long time。 It seemed like I was "just one of those people" who wasn't a people-pleaser， and therefore was doomed to watch others having wonderful times with friends and family like a creepy neighbor at the living room window。 I think I suspected that their happiness was shallow or fake， or reserved for the lucky few who are good at heart。 The massive shift in perspective for me here was that havin I have had doubts and worry about meeting people and maintaining relationships with them for a very long time。 It seemed like I was "just one of those people" who wasn't a people-pleaser， and therefore was doomed to watch others having wonderful times with friends and family like a creepy neighbor at the living room window。 I think I suspected that their happiness was shallow or fake， or reserved for the lucky few who are good at heart。 The massive shift in perspective for me here was that having open and easy， light， and free relationships with people is the natural and ideal state of every person to be in， and therefore is accessible to everyone。 The key to access this highly-connected and rewarding state is as simple as letting go of the campaign to prove to the world that we are worthwhile。 This campaign begins when we behave in a shameful way， causing us to seek to prove our honor and worth through all kinds of dishonest and destructive means。 If we can simply recognize that we do wrong， humble ourselves， and make things right， we can go on living in harmony with others and ourselves， free of the emotional cage that taints and distorts our entire perception of existence。This is the second attempt to read this book- I felt too condemned the first time around by all of the evidence that I had been doing wrong all my life- and I appeared to be a relatively good person compared to most people I knew。 But as the author shows， anything less than acknowledgement of the full， ugly truth， will only partially solve the emotional problem。 This time around， I read it because I said something that deeply offended my sister， and I feared that she would decide to disown me。 While pondering these principles， I realized that even though I have a good marriage， there were a number of things I was doing that were hurting it， and I just thought I was acting like all good but flawed human beings in an imperfect world。 I learned that I was making my marriage harder and colder， that there was no reason to， and I could have a huge upgrade in fulfillment and intimacy for almost no additional effort。 What a deal！ This will stay in my library， and I will be recommending it strongly to anyone I know who seems open to change。 。。。more
Charly Troff （ReaderTurnedWriter）
，
5 stars for the ideas find within。 They are really humbling and life changing。3 stars for presentation。 The book is rather long winded and not very concise。 I also didn't love some of what was said in the book， though I do think the overall message makes the book well worth reading。 5 stars for the ideas find within。 They are really humbling and life changing。3 stars for presentation。 The book is rather long winded and not very concise。 I also didn't love some of what was said in the book， though I do think the overall message makes the book well worth reading。 。。。more
Mihaela Scobici
，
I received this book as an audible gift， and wow ， what a gift！A must read for anyone who wish to interact to everyone， improve relationships， grow stronger， find peace。 Helps the way we respond to outside circumstances。。Good basic psychology principles。 Great， I recommend！
Shaun Lovell
，
Taking responsibility。 Owning up。 Self-control。All of these are large themes throughout the book。Do not go throughout life living with toxic relationships。 Be open and honest in your relationships。 Be willing to put in the brunt of the work if you want to make a relationship work。 Don't blame others for a relationship that is sour。 It is your fault。 Control what you can control。Once you start to change， others will change。 Remember the Golden Rule。 Taking responsibility。 Owning up。 Self-control。All of these are large themes throughout the book。Do not go throughout life living with toxic relationships。 Be open and honest in your relationships。 Be willing to put in the brunt of the work if you want to make a relationship work。 Don't blame others for a relationship that is sour。 It is your fault。 Control what you can control。Once you start to change， others will change。 Remember the Golden Rule。 。。。more
Kalee
，
I enjoyed the self-reflection that this book encouraged me to do。 However， it was a little overwhelming。 I feel paralyzed with most interactions/ decisions because of all the points this author makes。 I agree with most of the book， but it's a daunting task to evaluate every action and every relationship based on the criteria in this book。 I enjoyed the self-reflection that this book encouraged me to do。 However， it was a little overwhelming。 I feel paralyzed with most interactions/ decisions because of all the points this author makes。 I agree with most of the book， but it's a daunting task to evaluate every action and every relationship based on the criteria in this book。 。。。more
Reinhard Gaul
，
This book is basically a detailed framework for principles of Christianity。 This book is not about religion， however。 It is about teaching yourself to minimize self victimization and understand the motives of others you are in conflict with。 I love the idea that sin is self betrayal。 We are only betraying ourselves when we choose to live with a self obsessed mentality。 This is contrary to our natural and innate spiritual need to live outwardly。 Not betraying yourself is being true to your inner This book is basically a detailed framework for principles of Christianity。 This book is not about religion， however。 It is about teaching yourself to minimize self victimization and understand the motives of others you are in conflict with。 I love the idea that sin is self betrayal。 We are only betraying ourselves when we choose to live with a self obsessed mentality。 This is contrary to our natural and innate spiritual need to live outwardly。 Not betraying yourself is being true to your inner conscience。There are 3 books that I know of that are all basically the same principles and written by the same group of people。 These books have had such an impact on me that I intend to re-read at least one of these every year for the rest of my life。 These are the order I would recommend reading them: 1） The Anatomy of Peace - this book is in story format and i think explains everything the best。 2） This book - outlined by principles but with lots of different， mostly family， stories sprinkled in。 3） Leadership and Self Deception - also in story format， but relates to business more。 Basically the exact same book as anatomy of peace but written in a different way。 。。。more
Melanie
，
Second time reading this one。 It’s a life changer and I will reread it again。
Ashley
，
-C。 Terry Warner founded the Arbinger Institute。 I have read other books from them: “Leadership and Self Deception，” “The Anatomy of Peace，” and “The Outward Mindset。” All excellent books。-We hold onto things that destroy our happiness。 Why？-We find the same root problems throughout-Some want to live primarily intellectually， muffling their own inner voice， give up this strategy， look within-Any space in us， no matter how small will be taken up by resentment if we don't fill it。 Belittling， nagg -C。 Terry Warner founded the Arbinger Institute。 I have read other books from them: “Leadership and Self Deception，” “The Anatomy of Peace，” and “The Outward Mindset。” All excellent books。-We hold onto things that destroy our happiness。 Why？-We find the same root problems throughout-Some want to live primarily intellectually， muffling their own inner voice， give up this strategy， look within-Any space in us， no matter how small will be taken up by resentment if we don't fill it。 Belittling， nagging， jealousy。-We falsely think others control our happiness。 -Chinese finger trap。 We need to push inward to get out。 Instead we often pull out and tighten it。-Self betrayal occurs when we go against what we know we should do。 Also， when we aim just to please others。-Our sense of right and wrong largely comes from social cues。 This makes me think about those who can't read social cues and how difficult this would be。-Account of a man not getting up to take care of the baby， justified himself and soon villainized his wife whom he had not been upset with just moments before。 He was upset because he had to justify his lack of action， lack of doing what he knew he should。 He was betraying himself。-Our upset feelings are from us， not from others。 We truly have these feelings， but that doesn't mean the feelings are true， accurate-We only self-justify when we are doing something we know is wrong。-"To the immature， other people are not real。"-Do we really think about the happiness of others？-Sin- it does exist， many today deny this because it would cause them to look into themselves and take accountability for their actions。-I/it vs I/you words， do we see people as objects or people-There was a man who would get upset about his kids not working。 His wife felt the the good guy， justified in being calm， but really she was responsible too。 She played a part on his frustration。 She was in a box thinking her husband was inferior。 He could of course feel this which fed on it。 When she changed her heart about his， it gave him space to change and for them to work together。 In relationships especially in our immediate family we are all contributors。 There are no victims。-When we see ourselves as victims we are in a box。 Our energies then go in to justifying this， not in making things better。 Envy and joy in other's downfall lie here。-We are always contributors to any relationship。-story of neighbor dispute。 He was seeking for her to do wrong to justify his anger against her。 -When we betray ourselves is when we think ourselves good or bad and try to prove it。 Don't try to prove yourself impressive。 Perfectionism and shame are the results。-When we think we are protecting ourselves we are digging our hole deeper-When we try to save ourselves we damn ourselves。 Be vulnerable， not perfectionistic-Those who are not in self deception will always look at the other's side and not nurse victimhood。 Christmas story perspectives。-Criticism produces results almost 180 degrees against what is intended -His problem=her solutionHer problem=his solutionInstead they need to really look at the other to not go round and round\-"We share responsibility for the way we are treated"-"To see ourselves we only need to look to the way we are treated"-One can give offense only if the other will take it。-We use words kind， nice， and generous even when it's counterfeit。 We then don't have words for when it is genuine。-Self righteousness is counterfeit good， as is perfectionism， and often humility-Story of man angrily cleaning and preparing for a trip to make himself into a martyr。 This is self deception， not help。 So doing nothing or doing everything can come from the same root of the problem。-Perfectionism is self-betrayal-Story of girl justifying not visiting her aunt， self righteousness， assertiveness， perfectionism， etc。-Seeing yourself as no good gives excuse not to do well-We don't have to either stand up for ourselves and refuse or be passive and give in。 We can’t get out of this until we change our hearts。-Others are always sending us signals about how we should treat them。 Pick up on these cues。-Follow light- signals others are sending-Conscience is knowledge of the self， are we honest with ourselves， if not we betray ourselves-We are what we see in others。-A softening in our hearts will be felt by others。 As we extend this to others they do the same for us。 Christmas story of family conclusions。 As they put away their resentments all stepped up because they wanted to， not because they were forced to。-Love without reserve。 Disarm others by loving them。 I think of my high school graduation。 A boy spoke who had been kind of wild in high school， but he said his mom loved him through it all and it brought him to change。 This has always stuck with me。 -Story of brothers， struggles and changes in their relationship。 Their Dad had been frustrated by his younger son’s behavior until he read his older son’s essay and came to understand how much his younger son was struggling and why。-Others change by our love， not criticism， not from our ego-Genuine people make us feel heard， loved， and understood-Bondage is concern for self， freedom is outward thinking-Effort and determination don't cause us to change， we must think outwards， seek understanding。 This in not in the book but this to me is turning to Christ。 He counseled us to develop empathy， it is our first covenant。 We must pray for this。 He can soften our hearts and open our minds。-Blame is the lie we tell ourselves-We think we are victims， we assign blame。 When we change this， relationships change， others often change too。 Story of inconsiderate husband and how she felt justified in being the victim。 When she realized her role and changed， he changed too。-Take full accountability， Christmas story insights， what would it hurt if he put his heart into helping his wife-Build relationships so your teenagers have this， so their only relationship is not their friends， they have love to turn to-Adhering， even with exactness to self-help strategies won't help。 The heart has to be in the right place。 Many times self-help strategies turn a person inward becoming self absorbed。-In case in doubt， abstain。 Abstain from criticism and negativity。 Love is expansive， fear and anger are retractive。-A teacher had a paper of a person then 4 colored transparent papers， as each layer was added the person became harder to see。 As we do this in our minds about others we lose sight of them as people。-A change of heart is a beginning， same resentments from others will exist。 We will see new manifestations of our weaknesses and fall back into old patterns from time to time。 We must not stop on our new path。-There's nothing wrong with goals， but preoccupation with the self usually isn't a true change。-We become more natural at doing what's right when it's from our hearts。-We may have a long path of mending relationships even with a change of heart。-When we improve we aren't becoming different we are becoming ourselves。 We are no longer betraying ourselves。-Are we victims of our past or do we move forward？-Those who hold the view that anyone is victim to their experiences and not accountable may think they're being compassionate but the opposite is true。 True charity teaches that we are accountable and can change。 -Forgiving others is about our change of heart。 We may have been wronged but we often contribute to that wrong。 We betray ourselves to not be accountable。 See people as people。-Counterfeit forgiveness is when we try to let go of what others did to us and not see our contribution to the problem。-Don't deceive yourself into thinking other's actions control how you feel。-Woman who has been abused by her father。 She felt like she had forgiven him， but she needed to ask his forgiveness for the hard feelings she harbored against him。 This changed how she felt and their relationship。-This isn't in the book， but there are examples in the book that are extremely difficult。 These often accelerate our learning because they are so uncomfortable。 Many don't change until they hit rock bottom。 I wonder if the many little things we hold onto may be more damaging。 They are harder to define and eat away at us。 They can be ignored， but still create great turmoil。 It's important to recognize and change these things。-The humanity we find in other's becomes our own。-Story of a marriage。 The wife slept in all day and partied at night。 Her husband consistently served and loved her。 She eventually came around。-Jeff didn't waste his life on serving his selfish wife， if had left he would have been in self-pity。 His choices brought him personal happiness and peace。-Story of two artists。 One cannot find anything worthy to paint。 The other found people and things all around him。 The second was the true artist。-“Wherever you go， there you are。"-Learn to forgive and love wherever you are and whoever you're with。-We help others most when we change our hearts-If we hold onto resentment we will take them with us no matter how far we are separated from others-Don't tell yourself you're ok if you're not。 Instead dump the garbage out。-EpilogueSome think faith is for the weak。 Faith is essential。 It is needed for strong relationships。 。。。more
Ivana Cordy
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